There’s a version of him you fell in love with.
The one who remembers how you like your coffee without asking.
The one who notices when you’re quieter than usual and doesn’t let it slide.
The one who sends you that one song randomly because it reminded him of you.
The one who makes you feel like out of everyone in the world he chose you, and he is sure about it.
And then…
There’s the other version.
The one who raises his voice.
The one who says things he “doesn’t mean.”
The one who gets aggressive, unpredictable, and loud.
The one who makes you feel small in moments where you should feel safe.
And somehow, both of these people exist in the same man.
And somehow, you stay.
The version of him that makes you stay
Let’s talk about him first. The sober version. The one no one else really sees fully.
Because that’s the part people outside your relationship don’t understand.
They see one incident and make a judgment.
You have seen a hundred moments that made you fall in love.
He treats you right, truly right, in ways that are hard to explain.
He listens to you talk about your worst days without rushing you.
He shows up when it actually matters, not just when it is convenient.
He celebrates your smallest wins like they are his own.
He knows exactly when to hold your hand and when to give you space.
He remembers the little things, your fears, your habits, your stories.
Sometimes, it feels like he understands you in a way no one else ever has.
Like he was the answer to a question you did not even know how to ask.
As Maya Angelou once said,
“I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.”
And that is how his love feels. Giving, warm, intentional.
So when people ask, “Why do you stay?”
You want to say, because you have not seen him the way I have.
But then there’s the other side
The side that comes out when he drinks.
At first, it was just a little irritation.
A raised voice. A sharp tone. Something you brushed off.
Maybe he had a long day.
Maybe the alcohol just hit him differently.
It is not who he really is.
Then it became louder.
More intense.
More frequent.
Words that sting longer than they should.
Silences that feel heavier than they should.
Moments where you feel like you are walking on eggshells.
And every time it happens, there is a pattern.
He says,
“I did not mean it.”
“It was just the alcohol.”
“You know I would never hurt you.”
“This will not happen again.”
And you believe him.
Not because you are naive.
But because you have seen the other version of him.
Why we stay, even when we know
Let’s be honest here. This is not about weakness.
Women do not stay because they are foolish.
They stay because they are emotionally invested in something that once felt safe, real, and rare.
There are different kinds of staying.
The hopeful staying
You believe this is a phase.
You think love, patience, and understanding will fix it.
The fearful staying
You are scared you will not find something better.
You wonder if this is as good as it gets.
The deeply in love staying
You know this is not okay.
But your love for him is louder than your logic.
You hold on to the good days like proof.
Proof that this can work.
Proof that this is not the full story.
As Brené Brown says,
“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
So instead, you do not numb anything.
You feel everything.
The love. The hurt. The hope. The confusion.
The world will judge you, but they don’t see this
People are quick to say,
“Just leave.”
“You deserve better.”
“This is toxic.”
And maybe they are not wrong.
But they are also not you.
They have not experienced
the late night conversations that healed something in you
the way he held you when you broke down
the version of love you did not know existed before him
They are looking at your relationship from the outside.
You are living it from the inside.
And inside, it is never just black and white.
But here’s the truth you already know
Deep down, beneath the love and beneath the hope, you know something is not right.
You know
this pattern is not new anymore
the apologies are starting to sound familiar
the promises are not lasting as long as they used to
And maybe the hardest truth of all is that you know it might not change.
As Oprah Winfrey said,
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
But what if it is not the first time?
What if it is the tenth?
The truth is that love does not cancel out harm.
And kindness in one moment does not erase fear in another.
So, is it right or is it wrong
There is no simple answer.
Emotions do not follow rules.
Love does not come with a guidebook.
But here is something to think about.
Love should feel safe more often than it feels confusing.
Love should build you more than it breaks you.
Love should not make you question your worth.
You are allowed to love someone deeply.
But you are also allowed to ask,
“Is this love costing me too much?”
When you should definitely walk away
This part matters.
Because while understanding your emotions is important, protecting yourself is essential.
You need to seriously consider leaving if
his aggression is becoming more frequent or intense
you feel scared around him, even occasionally
his words are affecting your self worth
he refuses to take accountability or seek help
you find yourself constantly justifying his behavior to others
Love is not supposed to feel like something you have to survive.
If you are not ready to leave yet
And if you are reading this thinking,
“I know all this, but I am not ready to walk away”
That is okay too.
You do not have to rush your healing.
But you can
start setting boundaries
talk to someone you trust
create emotional and financial independence
observe patterns instead of ignoring them
You can stay aware, even if you choose to stay for now.
Resources that might help you understand what you are feeling
Sometimes clarity comes from understanding patterns and emotions better.
These are a few books that can help:
A gentle note to anyone reading this
If you ever meet someone in a relationship like this, do not judge them too quickly.
You do not know what they have experienced, what they have felt, or what they are holding on to.
Sometimes, people are not staying because they are weak.
Sometimes, they are staying because they have loved deeply.
And to you, if this is your story
You are not stupid.
You are not weak.
You are human.
You loved someone fully.
And that takes courage.
But do not forget, you also deserve a love that feels safe, consistent, and kind.
Not just sometimes.
But always.
Ending this with hope
Maybe things will change.
Maybe they will not.
But you will.
You will grow.
You will learn.
You will see things more clearly with time.
And one day, whether you stay or leave, you will choose from a place of strength, not confusion.
Because at the end of the day, love is not just about how deeply you feel; it is also about how safely you are held.
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